Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
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My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
gentlemen, hear me out
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.