Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
You Might Also Like
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material