Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
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[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Never be a pizza!
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.