man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
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Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.