Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
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great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.