If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
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People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
how long have you had this for?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die