[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
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Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Holy moly
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Happy Taco Tuesday
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with