When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
You Might Also Like
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Just as the prophecy foretold
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
LMAO.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday