Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
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A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
a god among men
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Who’s your best friend?
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Breaking news:
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.