Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
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Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Strangers have the best candy.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark