What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
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[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine