hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
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Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.