CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
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I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I told my vodka about you.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback