How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
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My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day