Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
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All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful