BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
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I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Not all heroes wear capes…