Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
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me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us