I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
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besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.