*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
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Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?