She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
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Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December