Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
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Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I can’t be the only one 😂
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs