I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
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[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it鈥檚 lookin like i鈥檓 gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: 鈥re you just like bored or something? what is this?
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Lmao the reply
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
馃惔: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It鈥檚 the sound of your spouse chewing.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”