Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
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i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.