My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
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if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.