CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
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Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.