Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
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Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
emergency phone
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.