The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
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who called it hell and not heaven’t
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.