My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
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No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?