My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
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gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Lmaoo 😂
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir