A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
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[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT