Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
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Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.