It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
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the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
dads on road-trips be like
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.