Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
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Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Life hack
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.