I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
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I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.