You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
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Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.