There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
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🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
At least my masseuse has my back.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
based al yankovic
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry