All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
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What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
He took my last fry, your honor
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
North and South
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Make new friends? bro out of what?
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.