me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
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6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.