Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
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mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.