Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
You Might Also Like
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.