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My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.