Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
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Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
What personal space?
My dog
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
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What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how