There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
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If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
🙂🙃🥹
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.