[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
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*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
this is the best day of my life
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*