[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
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My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
In case you needed to hear it:
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire