FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
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I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?