[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
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Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.