*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
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Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
This is sending me to another galaxy
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Saturday
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.