I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it