finally found a reasonable question
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I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.